Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
