I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
