You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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