even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
