The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I forget how to act sober
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
