I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Floor bacon is actually really good
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
