they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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