I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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