You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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