i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
