just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
