you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
