ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
