i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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