Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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