the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
