I look better un-naked...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize