Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
