When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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