I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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