I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she told me i tasted like america
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
