my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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