ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
