On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize