I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
