Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
