You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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