Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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