see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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