Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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