I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
