i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
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