Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
