why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
