Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
