i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And then he peed in my hair
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