Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
