I'm eating all of the evidence.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
