1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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