I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
