remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
