my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
