currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize