She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
