Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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