If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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