Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
