I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
