I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
