i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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