When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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