Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
