I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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