Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
