i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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