$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
