i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My liver just had a heart attack.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
