its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
