I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
