everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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