I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
