I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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