Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
