Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
