So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
