Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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