I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
