I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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