Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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